a little honesty

A new blog.

The past year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I had a real spring in my step in September 2013, me and my hubby disappeared off for 3 weeks to cruise down the route 101 in the West Coast of America. We hiked mountains, drank local wine, took a trip over to Vegas to have fun on the slots, I also developed an obsession with criminals that frequented Alcatraz. That Al Capone was an interesting chap!

Come Christmas we settled down to some good festive spirit, had a gaudy amount of tinsel around the house and drank mulled wine. It was pretty picture perfect reflecting on it now. New Year's Eve was spent with our friends playing drinking games and just having a laugh, it was one of the best NYE's we've had.

On to January there were the inevitable blues but they were all swept away come February as I turned 30 and me and the mister celebrated our first wedding anniversary. My friends and family were simply amazing over both occasions and made a real fuss. It was a great time! 

Come May we jetted away for a fabulous holiday in Greece, it was great to get some sunshine and relaxation. It was our first time visiting Greece and I can't wait to get back there. Gorgeous weather and stunning seas and coasts (you really should go if you get the chance to!).

But the truth is amongst all of the happiness I've enjoyed over the last year it has also been touched with sadness and uncertainty. The truth is that we have been trying for a baby for a year now and nothing has happened. 

I can't really explain just how desperate I have felt at times. I started off with such optimism, I'd read the stats, I knew that it might take some time. I started off badly, I'll admit it, I pinpointed a week when I thought I would be most fertile and I declared this was our "window of opportunity", putting more pressure of my hubby than I should. I zapped all fun and heaped pressure on us.

Months passed, and more again. Nothing. Other than tears when those imaginary cramps, those late periods turned out to be nothing. Oh and a couple of UTI's to make me feel tip top at my lowest moments. I began feeling envious when Facebook friends posted scan pictures, and worryingly becoming angry at them. Everyone I knew as a close friend feel pregnant straight away, and they were typically the ones who would say to me 'it just happens'. Yes, for you. 

I've never told anyone we were starting to try for a baby, but I guess being newly married people have had their suspicions. It added pressure anyway, and I felt I had to prove I wasn't pregnant by having a glass of wine (or three) at every social occasion when I really didn't want one. My whole life has become about getting pregnant and kicking myself for failing at doing the most natural thing. 

I guess you could say I have been in a vicious circle. 

In June I went to the doctors to have my hormones checked out, they came back normal. I was told that when you seek help this is when you fall pregnant. Well, I can confirm that wasn't true for me. But the doctor did put my mind at ease, she said don't do ovulation tests, don't do mobile fertility apps, just get on with 'it' 2 to 3 times a week. So we have, for 3 months, and still nothing. 

A turning point was reading Kate's blog post. She spoke with such honesty about her situation and I only wish I had read this earlier. Kate seeks comfort in God having a plan for us all. I'm not a religious person but I do believe that things happen for a reason, and we really must make the most of our lives whilst we have them. I don't want to throw away the next two years of my life moping from one period to the next. I want to enjoy  my life with my wonderful husband. 

So I end this year of trying with the peace Kate talks about in her blog post. I hope that in my plan are babies, but if we can't naturally conceive we can explore a medical intervention or adoption. On my dark days of which I'm sure there will be, we can't be strong all the time, I will re-read this post, and probably Kate's and take comfort in that I did find my Mr Right and we have a whole load of good fortune there.

Thanks for reading, I hope if you are in a similar situation my story helps you find your peace too.